Why it all ends in tears for Dannii

Blazing rows on Strictly Come Dancing, tears before bedtime on The X Factor. And that was just the judges. What on Earth is going on in the land of Saturday night (un)reality TV, a place where – post-John Sergeant – deluded self-importance has reached new heights?

Dannii Minogue's toe-curling emotional breakdown – which left her and the viewers without the power of speech – after Louis Walsh accused her of stealing his act's choice of song had even Simon Cowell admitting he wished the ITV1 show wasn't live. It was that uncomfortable to watch.

Up until then, everything had been so rosy on The X Factor's Take That week.

The first contestant, Alexandra, was overwhelmed during her masterclass with childhood heartthrobs Gary Barlow and Mark Owen: "I used to have their picture frames on my wall, their bed sheets, their pillow cases, everything."

Yes, and they'd really like them returned now.

Gold-headband-wearing Cheryl Cole was looking like a Wonder Woman fairy on a Christmas tree.

And Barlow told colour-coded Teletubbies JLS: "Look after each other. That's so important because once one of you breaks away, it's all over."

Spoken like a man whose band sold only five million albums and had a couple of sell-out world tours after Robbie Williams went solo.

Then that cutting question from Dermot O'Leary to Minogue, pictured: "Who's up next, Dan?"

She could take no more, and on came the waterworks. The poor lass was clearly distressed, angry and embarrassed. And that was before Same Difference opened their perma-smiling, sickly-sibling traps on the results show.

"I would never, ever steal anyone else's song," Minogue sobbed. Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.

It was left to Dermot to point out to the judges that their ridiculous, self-absorbed playground quarrelling was not quite as important as the contestants' rags-or-riches fate.

With sanity temporarily restored, sudden Same Difference fan Walsh told the final singer Eoghan: "You're like FedEx, you always deliver."

And not the company's other claim to fame, leaving Tom Hanks stranded on Cast Away.

Over at Strictly Come Dancing, Bruce Forsyth delivered his own FedEx performance, his wittiest of the series by a country mile.

But even the combined strength of his sharp ad libs and Sergeant's farewell waltz weren't enough to prevent the judges needlessly taking over that show, too.

We were only two dances in when the bickering started and Len Goodman blew his top at Craig Revel Horwood.

Worse, as I feared, Strictly without Sergeant has lost much of its charm and fun.

"There's a trophy at stake here!" Philips exclaimed to Jodie Kidd.

Deep breaths, Arlene, deep breaths, it's all going to be OK.

Let's just hurry on to the Austin Healey versus Rachel Stevens final and be done with it before the judges on Strictly and X Factor get too many more delusions of grandeur. Pickle my walnuts, they're really getting on my wick.