Sometimes I wonder whether I live in the same country as the young. I heard Peaches Geldof, when asked to join in a project, say: "I am so down for this."

What on earth does this mean: that she wouldn't touch it with a barge pole, or that she is really, really like so totally in favour?

I watch The Wire avidly, mainly because it's a challenge to fathom what the hell is going on and what the kids on the street are saying.

You feel me?

I felt even more out of touch when I had a cosmetic make-over the other day, as a result of being to weak to say no to the 10-year-old beautician.

I loathe having my face made up by a stranger: you end up with a deep orange, black and blue countenance so horrible that you have to flee to the Ladies and wash it all off.

This time she did my eyes, all dark brown and silver and blue until I looked like an endangered species, though I was too polite to say so. And then she baffled me by asking if, like, I wanted threading.

Did she mean sewing me up, or treating my thread veins?

No, she meant having my eyebrows shaped by tweaking out bits with a thread. I made an excuse and left. And at the bus stop a yoof asked me if I could make on the time up, innit? Uh? You what?