What's worse than a megalomaniac who's always on the telly? Answer: a smug megalomaniac who's always on the telly.

Welcome to ITV1's Sunday night chat show Piers Morgan's Life Stories.

It's the programme where, if the network's publicity material is to be believed: "He'll grill some of the biggest celebrity names, he'll ask the questions that others don't dare ask."

So, what did he have in store for his first hour-long interrogation victim Sharon Osbourne?

Piers: "She's done it all, whether it's fighting cancer, nearly losing her husband in a quad-bike accident, being a huge rock manager then becoming a huge TV star herself.

"But most of all, I want to know... what does she really think about Dannii Minogue."

He's taking no prisoners.

And so, far from the no-holds- barred grilling that was billed, it was 60 minutes of Piers Morganomaniac sucking up to his old America's Got Talent fellow judge and buddy, interspersed with This Is Your Life-inspired clips with tributes to the "remarkable, unbelievable" Sharon Osbourne from friends and family.

The only thing missing was the big red book. It was such a letdown because the show opened with host and guest talking in separate dressing rooms like prizefighters about to settle a feud.

Osbourne: "If Piers starts with me, he's going to get it."

MegaloMorganac went straight for the jugular from the bell: "When people ask you what you do, what do you say?"

Honestly, Guantanamo Bay's got nothing on this inquisitor.

He swiftly rattled through all the hackneyed, obvious questions he'd promised to avoid – did she like being a star, why did she leave the X Factor, did she miss being on the X Factor, did she fancy Ozzy when they first met, how did she fall out with her dad, how did she make up with her dad, how did her kin react to her being diagnosed with cancer (not very well was the shock answer).

Then he asked whether, with hindsight, she would have opened her doors to MTV's reality cameras knowing so many bad tidings were about to befall her family.

She replied: "Nobody has ever asked me that question before, Piers. Trust you to be the one."

Cut to a shot of Piers, where smug has never been smugger.

But, after criticising Jonathan Ross and Graham Norton for being "kiss a**ses" to their guests, it was his gushing obsequiousness which grated the most.

He told Osbourne: "You look only 25.

"You've had, by your own admission, a lot of plastic surgery and from what I'm looking at it's been very successful if you don't mind me saying.

"Forgive me for saying this, but you're 56 years old and you look ludicrously younger."

We did, however, learn something new – Piers' second cousin is David Beckham's former bit on the side, the fame-hugging, morally bankrupt, inappropriately smug Rebecca Loos.

I blame it on the genes.