GATWICK Airport. Tuesday night. The muzak is in full swing on the public-address system, the packed departure lounge is fast running out of cappuccino.

And 11 "celebrities" are dressed like the UK's camp 2007 Eurovision entry.

It's CelebAir, ITV2's new reality show set on an aeroplane.

Or, rather, Celeb? Where?

A no-frills, one-star package holiday of a show that diverted me away from BBC2's excellent Maestro, C4's emotionally charged The Secret Millionaire, CSI: Miami on Five and the start of a new season of Prison Break on Sky1 at 9pm on Tuesday.

Here's how it goes. Eleven Z-listers, all of them wishing their agents had booked them a job anywhere else but Monarch Airlines' check-in desk, get to work as ground staff and cabin crew on a real chartered jet carrying holidaymakers to Spain, having earned their wings on an "intensive" six-week training course on how to push a trolley down an aisle, before sitting an exam on, well, trolley-pushing, I suppose.

The paying passengers rate their performance, with the worst getting the boot each week until the star employee is crowned, earning a tidy sum for their chosen charity.

So who are the 11 whose careers have nosedived faster than a 747 missing a chunk of fuselage?

I was worried you'd ask that. I'll do my best. There's attached-at-the-hip married couple Steps band member Lisa Scott-Lee. pictured left, and Johnny Shentall, barely famous for having a famous wife; Tamara Beckwith, famous for being Tamara Beckwith; X Factor loser Chico, inset, famous for never having a watch; comedian Phil Cornwell; singer Mica Paris; former Blazin' Squad musician Kenzie.

Then I'm struggling. Lisa Maffia? Amy Lamé? Dan O'Connell? Michelle Marsh?

But it doesn't matter, because the real star of the show is already becoming apparent.

Ted May. Yes, THE Ted May. You know? Voiceover artiste extraordinaire? Five's continuity bloke? He did that MFI advert a while back?

No, I hadn't heard of him either, but judging by one hour of air-tastic narration, he's the most cheerfully sarcastic man on TV, Little Britain's Tom Baker meets the "Come on Down" announcer from The Price is Right, with more tongue in cheek than a racy scene from a Mills & Boon novel, and the only reason to watch CelebAir.

For the inaugural flight, he gave us these ironic, celeb-knocking gems, in ascending order: "At the back of the plane, Johnny Shentall shows his 'madcap' sense of humour by holding Kenzie prisoner in the toilet."

Runner-up was this one, as Chico was asked by chief cabin steward Ross Archer to find some Worcestershire sauce: "It's not long before Chico faces his first major test." But the best of the lot: "Still to come after the break, Amy comes to a devastating conclusion."

Amy: "It's not rocket science, it's serving drinks to passengers."

There can be only one conclusion. Vote Ted May.