Tough love is the best parenting. That's the finding of a new report that has followed 9,000 families to see how their children are parented.

Some adopted a laissez-faire approach, giving in to every request. Others were authoritarian, with strict rules but little affection. When warmth and clear boundaries are combined, it produces people who have more empathy, and are more able to control emotions, bounce back from disappointments, stick with things and complete tasks.

Regular cuddles and expressions of affection are the foundation for self esteem. Self restraint and respect come when children learn they cannot have what they want whenever they want it and that there are other people in the world who they have to treat with respect.

All this may sound pretty old hat and yet only 13 per cent of the families who were studied actually practised it.

In my previous job at the Bristol Methodist Centre in Midland Road, I worked with those who were homeless and socially excluded.

Most people were fine, but we would sometimes be told that if we were Christians we shouldn't say no to anyone.

We felt it was not right to give to someone who was demanding, refused to wait, showed no respect or took more than their fair share. We would sometimes give a loan to someone, but first we would discuss their needs with them and check if they had paid back a previous loan.

Tough love meant taking people seriously, giving them time, attention and a listening ear without making judgements, but being ready to say no if appropriate.

It also meant expecting to be shown respect, because we too, as helpers, were human beings who had limitations and needs and had to take care of ourselves.

We set clear boundaries about what behaviour was unacceptable and what the sanctions were. When boundaries were broken, there would be a conversation before the person could come back into the centre. It took a lot of time and effort but often people came to respect and respond to that approach.

When Jesus said: "Give to anyone who asks", he didn't mean that we are to be doormats. It was part of a radical strategy of "turning the other cheek", a costly but disarming tactic which refuses to play by the old negative rules of "an eye for an eye", but instead takes the positive approach – "treat others as you would like them to treat you".

His general approach to people was characterised by respect and truthfulness and a willingness to challenge. He spoke about loving your neighbour as you love yourself, the second commandment.

We should not be surprised that our recent discovery of tough love is what Jesus advocated 2,000 years ago. We come to the truth by different routes.